Hey guys, I just wanna come out and let you guys know what's going on right now. Explaining why I haven't posted any artwork in God knows how long, (been a month at least) and why I've been mostly silent aside from a few dumb polls and maybe a few status updates, I really haven't kept track.
First off, NO, I'm not done with artwork. I know that I've never been the most consistent drawer and usually post something every few weeks (me hopes) as I do usually sit down and draw at least once a week. This massive gap of artwork isn't because I've lost interest in drawing, or am fresh out of ideas or anything else. I am still going to keep drawing till I die, nothing is going to change my love of drawing... seriously.
As of now, I guess you could just call this a Hiatus, a point in time where both my time and motivation are drying out momentarily, and hopefully it will pass on soon. I have been taking some time to sit down and put some effort on some more sketches like I did last time, but again it's a little difficult.
The real reason I am not as active here any more has been chalked down to a number of things, which I'll go into detail. Of course, if you're not interested in my bitching and babying about my-to quote- "awful life" *boo-hoo me* then you can just skip down a bit till I eventually say "Everything's okay, I'm trying to get back in order and I'll be back soon." though of course if you do wanna hear my bitching, here's what I'll be bitching about specifically.
So, as you guys should know, I am in College, Cerritos Community College to be precise. And while it's an excellent school and I enjoy going to it, I'm suffering quite a few problems. Adjusting from High School life to College life has proven... difficult for me. I am by nature a procrastinator and I am quite lazy. I'm often told that of the seven deadly sins, I am closest to Sloth. And this has always been a problem for me, but now it's even worse of an issue because now that I'm in college, I really can't afford to be lazy anymore.
"But Issac, wouldn't this count as lazy?"
SHUT UP!!! *Bitch smack* I don't mind smacking that pony... strike that from the record.
Jokes aside, it's just that I'm so used to being lazy in life, and still somehow being able to pull it off, that even though I know it's an issue, I still haven't done ENOUGH to change it... but that needs to change now.
Secondly is work. Now, I'm not actually employed, not yet. But College is still something to pay for, mainly because I need to rely on Uber so much now in order to get to school, that and school supplies which is a constant. And since I don't have my license yet (another thing I'm struggling to work on due to lack of opportunity) I refuse to get an actual job because of three reasons.
1. I don't want to rely on Uber to get me to and from work all the time, especially because that means it would literally force me to use all my earned money just to pay for damn Uber. Combined with school and work, $12.00 an hour would quickly mean little. ESPECIALLY depending on the distance.
2. My school schedule really isn't that flexible. All of my classes start after noon, and I use the time in the beginning of the day to finish homework. If my schedule was a little more condensed, it'd be a different story entirely.
3. I'm treating the whole license deal like a rite of passage. I really don't think I deserve a job until I prove I'm competent enough to get a license... which brings me to the third topic.
... You guy should know, I don't really enjoy talking about my depression. I've allowed my vent art in the past to filter out my repressed depression before because I really don't like to talk about it... I don't like talking about depression because at the end it always makes me feel worse. And no matter what people say in response, it never makes a difference. I've been like this for so long that I really can't remember living any other way. Depression is a very serious problem of mine because it follows me everywhere. Sure, on the internet I act like this goofy, silly and seldom serious person... but that's just me "glad-masking" as they'd call it. In truth, I'm always hurting, and it never ceases.
This depression is caused by... literally everything. My family, my current status in life, the lack of achievements I have, the lack of progress I've made, my now apparent lack of intelligence and ability, the high expectations I've placed for myself that are seemingly impossible now, the fact that I enjoy a fantasy world far more than I enjoy reality, the reality of being stuck on this God forsaken planet, my inability to take initiative against flaws I know I possess, my laziness, my regrets, my lack of... I think you get the point now.
My depression is reaching its highest once more with the struggles I'm facing in both College and life. I've never had a problem accepting a change in life styles, or the reality of maturing out of my usual limits, or the idea of leaving the house and family I've been with all my life. In fact, I eagerly await the day I can leave and strive out on my own. I've never feared doing it, but my position is a very bad one in order to do any of this. I have no job experience, I have no license, and I'm no where near as bright as I believed I was. It feels like all my successes up to this point were lies, all my achievements null and void, and everything I've done is practically worthless.
I genuinely feel worthless... I feel pointless... I feel stupid and weak. At one point, I believed I could do anything I wanted... but now my pride is shattered... and I don't know what to do... I feel lost and uncertain. I am at the helm of my ship and all I see ahead is storm clouds and lightning... And the worse part is that there's so much I want to do. There's so many things I want to do, they're not even big life accomplishments, but just things I want.
I want to spend days stuck within a library, just reading and reading. Not bothered by college, money, work, responsibility or anything else. I just want to be stuck in there, digesting book after book, consuming knowledge on a variety of subjects. There's no real end goal honestly, it just serves to heighten my knowledge, expand my mind and thinking, allow me a greater opportunity to develop and evolve my brain... but how can I accomplish this? The only local library is under massive construction, and I have nearly not enough time to do this even if there was a library. All the books in my home are either novels or very old child books. I only have a few books in my room, that even I rarely have time to read. And while I love novels, I want more informational books as well.
Another fantasy of mine is to go out into the wilderness and survive. Cut off from society and live in the raw, unkempt wilds. Surviving off the land, hunting my food, building my shelter, surviving against the environment and its own wildlife. I have been studying hunter guides and doing small bit by bit researches on wild life survival, but I want to dedicate my time to this. It wouldn't even have to be a great year long survival. Just a week or two out in the wilds with a battle brother of mine, surviving together. It would be a great start, and a wondrous adventure, and I doubt California is without many open wild hunting preserves right? But I am restricted. I have no money, no vehicle, little time to invest in learning... how am I to accomplish what is a dream of mine?
There are more dreams of mine, like learning parkour and many martial arts, succeeding to MIT, making a youtube channel for gaming and comedy skits, and I've even been thinking about joining the Navy Seals after College (I'm dead serious about that one too.) But all out of reach. And it hurts me... life here is dull, boring. And while it's safe and comfortable, I'm tired of it. I want an adventure, I want a journey, I want a real story that sounds like a fictional novel... and yet I'm sad because I can't even comprehend where to start, or what paths to take to achieve any of this. I can't even find the path to finding the path, because I have so many issues here.
At this point, I imagine my rant has made me look very childish. I look like this dumb kid who has too many fantasies that are all incredibly ambitious and fictitious. I look like a fool who's trying to accomplish so much when he has so little. I look like a child who's trying to escape his responsibilities and be a legendary hero who will be sung about for centuries... but what I say is true. And it makes me so sad to know that these dreams of mine may never be reality. All because I lack opportunity...
But I'm probably right aren't I? I'm acting like a child who's crying because he can't have his way.
I've ranted so long about my dreams I've even forgotten what my point was that I was trying to get at... Oh right, yeah I remember now. I'm depressed. That's the long and short of it, and it's because I've been so depressed that I've fallen short on both school and artwork... and life in general.
- THE POINT -
I don't know how to get rid of the depression any time soon, it's been with me ever since Middle School, and it's been slowing me down. But I'm done letting it be an excuse to not living up to my demands and expectations. Depression may maw at me all day and night, but I'm tired of letting it slow me down. And so, after 19 years, I'm finally going to make a stand to change it.
I've been a lazy, procrastinating, and unmotivated fool, but I'm going to actually try and change that. There's too much at stake for me to simply "take my time". So I'm going to stop it. I don't know how, but I'm done waiting for an answer to find me, I'm going to find the answer out myself. And MAYBE... just maybe, it'll stop this nightmare I'm living in. I don't know.
So, a little good news after the depressing rant I just gave, I've been especially busy doing something very special, that I'll actually be sharing with you guys tomorrow. I've essentially started an art project of massive scale, and have been working VERY HARD on it these past few Saturday's and Sundays on my spare time, so I'll post some pictures from my phone to show its progress... and to show that I am actually doing something of worth.
Secondly, some more good news, I've decided to make myself a schedule. And what this means is that I'm literally making myself a day by day, hour by hour schedule, deciding for myself how I should plan my days out. I know it may seem cheap to have to rely on a schedule when I'm 19, but maybe it'll help me keep myself organized and I'll feel like I actually have a plan to keep to in order to succeed (don't worry, I'll keep time on my schedule for Devart. I love you guys too much to just abandon you.) (Also don't worry, I wont allow myself TOO MUCH time on Devart that I'd be sabotaging myself.) (and yes, I know this isn't how parenthesis are supposed to work but SHUDDUP... no you don't have to shut up, I'm sorry for being mean).
So by now, you are either not reading this far, or you have. And you're either very sad now because of me, or you think I'm just a big baby craving attention. And I'll be honest, I didn't think I'd go on a "Markiplier-esque" essay about my life and how I feel, but I guess I did.
So just to summarize, I'm very sorry I've been gone for so long, and it's mostly due to being depressed and overwhelmed due to my lack of ability for time management. But I'm going to make a stand to finally change these bad habits of mine, and hopefully get back on track with both art, my (unofficial job that I actually never explained... oh well, I'll explain it tomorrow)... job, college and everything else. I'm basically going to spend tomorrow finishing homework and planning how to get my life back in order. And maybe even make efforts to make at least ONE of those fantasies real.
Either way, I want to thank everyone again for sticking with me this far and being there to support me. All 269 of you, even those who are inactive and don't visit my page or work anymore. I still thank ALL of you for your support and friendships along this way, and I'm gonna keep it up. I'm gonna stay here a while longer, I'm gonna keep drawing, and I'm still gonna be the same me and still be social with all of you. No matter what the voices in my head tell me.
"You are weeeeeeeeeeak Issaaaaaaaaaaac"
SHUT YOUR NOT FACE, BRAIN GHOST CODY! You are not friend...
So thank you all again. You guys have really made an impact on my life, and who knows, if it wasn't for some of you, I may not even be here today. But you guys have impacted me for the better, and I really love all of you. So thank you.
And with that, I'm gonna stop this rant of mine. WOW, I didn't expect it to go on this damn long... oh well, for those still reading, my god you have a lot of free time on hand and you really value the shit I have to spew out of my mouth and unto a keyboard... still, thanks for reading my bullshit either way.
Until next time, and let's hope I post something soon dammit.
... OH and one last time
"FUCK YOU TIME AND SPACE!!! 24 HOURS ISN'T ENOUGH TIME TO DO ALL THE SHITE I WANNA DO IN ONE DAY!!!"
... yeah, I hate having only 24 hours... and I hate having to sleep. Seriously, you ever think about all the stuff you can do with an extra 8 hours-
Oh shit I'm about to go on another long ass rant
LOVE YOU ALL